Friday, December 26, 2008

Reasonable Mind

The voice in my ear is my good friend L. We have just reconnected after a long family trip for her. I break the news about my recent and engulfing attraction to M. There is that familiar silence that accompanies the swirl of her mind before the reproach. She is thinking "How can I say this?" She is trying to shorten the pause between the end of the trail of my words and her thoughts without rushing her emotions. Sometimes she wins that battle and sometimes not. Not. "Are you nuts?!" she says trying to say this calmly, her voice rising. "You know I love you, but are you nuts?!"

She knows me well enough not to attribute my behavior to all lesbians though she has her suspicions of all poets. She is older than I am, and an actual happy straight. It must be that we are both femmes, unreasonably optimistic, and share a long-term commitment to volunteer work with the elderly poor. We have been friends for years.

"I'm not going to even tell you why, because you know why, but you have to break it off." For her, the line between the rush of lust and practicality is stronger and more defined than I seem to be able to find, at this moment. "Men and women fall in love with you all the time, though god help me I can't figure out why, and you never notice it or ignore it, because you know better." She knows I can be overwhelmingly, blissfully and sometimes still painfully ignorant of my impact on others. In my silence, she hears me trying to figure out what to say next.

Her voice quiets, "You know what my life is like, I haven't been a saint, but I know you, and if this is meant to be something deeper, it will wait."


femmeismygender said...

But you know, if it's meant to be something deeper then maybe it won't wait.........fimg x

Running away with the Spoon said...

Have I said how much I adore YOU, fimg?

I haven't given her up and it is getting deeper.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Happy New Year to you and Holden!