Life has been incredibly complicated and both a bit tortuous and a bit of a relief. As one might suspect, I am in the throes (hopefully not the Dick Cheney version of unending "last throes") of ending the relationship with G. It is going both better and worse than I had hoped, and M remains my beautiful and loving constant.
G and I are now seeing a third party couples counselor to try to amicably end the relationship; as it turns, G became angry and bitter, despite our previous signed agreement to end the relationship in mid-2008 if nothing had changed, and nothing had changed. But it's one thing to get to that level of finality on your own, another to have someone else so declare. She agrees that the relationship was not healthy and that we were not better together than we are as separate individuals, but it is a familiar hell, and sometimes there is a strong draw to the familiar, even as it destroys you.
G has agreed to move out, and I am happy to keep the little tiny house amidst the woods and fields, but I do empathize with the grief and loss she has in leaving it. It is a wonderful, magical little place. My previous ex (S) and M and the gay boy therapist have all been on me not to try to fix things for G, not to try to make it "better" for her, and this is a hard lesson for me. I am a nurturer by nature and it's hard to see someone else in pain, even as she still has her moments where she is mean or cruel to me; I tend to excuse it as reflexive and not as conscious. M tells me what she feels (she wants to drive up and kick G's ass) but leaves it to me to handle. I am grateful for her patience with me in this winding process, perhaps I am wrong or naive to act as if I can expect the best measure of good grace from G, but I still find I cannot give up hope that we can all change for the better. It's what has kept me going as a political activist, and I see no reason to exclude my personal life from my global views. And I have learned many lessons over my life, perhaps this one will be as interesting as all the others.
What remains most difficult in all of this is that I have decided not to declare my relationship with M. This has been a terrible strain and I feel awful on so many fronts about this. I do agree with M that if G feels I am leaving her for another woman that she will entrench and all hope for any reasoned separation will be gone. But I hate it. I hate it because I love M and I want the world to know it. I hate it because it just causes me to try to live a lie and I am a terrible liar. I won't be in the closet about being queer, but I am now in the closet about being in love for the first time in my life. This may be the most bizarre thing that I have ever done, and I have done some pretty out there things in my lifetime. Let's hope it's only this bizarre for a short time more. If anyone has any thoughts on how to deal with this, I would be eternally grateful for your ideas. Simply "kicking G's ass and throwing her out", as an idea, is already taken by M, so you might want to cross that off your list. I tend to favor more amicable approaches. But I am open to just about anything right now.
Thanks for your patience with the spottiness of my posts lately, life is very complicated. I hope I can enjoy simplicity again, soon.
And yes, I am going back to visit M again soon, this time for a week. How I explain this absence to all those here in my New England is just beyond my reach right now, but I expect I will come up with something soon, since I miss my darling M terribly and long for her each day.
2 months ago