Tuesday, December 2, 2008

UN Ministry of Lesbian Realism

I wonder who I file this with?

I ended up on Dailymotion, a YouTube-ish site where a lot of the lesbian vids banned from YouTube end up. The DM site itself seems less puritanical and homophobic, and the viewers seem less so as well. I did notice that a lot of vids are posted by the French. At least the ones I ended up viewing.

But here's my complaint, a general complaint about "lesbian porn": False advertising and bad acting. I understand that the girls who appear in porn in general are no Oscar caliber or Oscar Meyer caliber actors, but couldn't they even get into the sex parts well enough to make it more convincing? Perhaps it's a bit too much to ask for Method acting, but geez...

Here are my primary complaints:

Closed mouth or pinch mouth kissing: When you are making out with someone you want to fuck, and you allegedly want to open your pussy to, why not open your mouth?

Dry kissing: If you want your partner to stick her tongue on your clit or in your pussy or your ass, why the reticence to use your tongue when you mouth kiss?

Excessive tongue: It's almost as if some porn guy decided that tongue play in the mouth is just as good as tongue play "down there". It's good, but it's not.

Spit: I have kissed a lot of women in my life and I don't really recall getting into spitting into each other's mouths as foreplay. Spitting elsewhere as lube, okay, but gobs of drool? I think not.

Polite kissing: It's okay when you are meeting someone for lunch, but when you are allegedly hot for some girl you want to fuck (you) and you are both naked, a little fierce passion is never inappropriate.

Upturned fingertips: I've notice this a lot in straight male "lesbian" sex fantasies. They hire girls with long fingernails or girls who uncomfortable with the role, and so when they stroke each other's skin, they lift up their fingertips and almost gingerly "touch" this person they are hot to fuck with what amounts to the palm or side of the hand, avoiding the use of fingertips. As a real lesbian, I use and expect the use of my lover's fingertips - fingertips are very sensitive and can elicit reactions in very sensitive places. It would be the equivalent of a man touching a woman with his bio dick but avoiding using the head of his dick to do so... pretty weird, eh?

Breast avoidance (visual): What's with that? In most instances, in these fake lesbian vids, the women don't even look at the tits of the other woman. Part of the reason I like sex with women is because we have tits, hello. Part of the thrill of first sex is having her look at, admire, touch, kiss, suck, and fondle your tits, and you, hers. But these girls rarely even give them a second glance.

Breast avoidance (tactile): I've noticed a trend in mainstream lesbian fake sex where a woman moves from kissing the lips and neck to the chest, and then slides her hand (with up turned fingertips) down between the breasts and starts kissing the stomach. It's as if the breasts weren't there. That's like eating a sundae by starting with the nuts, skipping the whipped cream and ice cream, and going straight to the fudge pooling at the bottom. If you're going to fuck another girl, it's okay and generally expected that you to touch, kiss, suck, squeeze her tits, it's called foreplay for a reason.

Breast pecks: The other common giveaway is to give a perfunctory peck to the top of the breast or a real quick peck on the nipple. What!!! I'd be yelling "Suck me, baby, harder". Some women have sensitive nipples (sadly) but they usually say so as you near the nipples with your mouth, or they tell you by their body reaction. We don't just usually assume so and skip it.

Polite hands: If you are ready to fuck, you should assume your hands can wander all over the naked or semi-naked body of the person whom you going to fuck. You don't have to keep them on the top of the shoulders at all times. This is fucking, not fucking 5th grade ballroom dance class.

Nipple play: sigh. I love nipples, so maybe I am just biased. I love sucking and kissing girls' nipples and I adore it when mine are so adored. I swear I can come by nipple play alone, so it makes me nuts how nipple avoidant these uh "lesbians" are.

Flaccid nipples: Hello! It's like a flaccid limpy bio dick. I can see she's not really into it.

Skin: When we are sexually excited our bodies flush in certain places. This lack of flush along with limpy nipples is a dead giveaway.

Wet: Since women don't usually have bio dicks, part of the way we determine a state of arousal is by wetness. Though this does change with age, (I have yet to see a lesbian sex scene involving post menopausal women though one would think this would be a rising viewing demographic), it would be normal for your new lover to take a read on how aroused you are (and ready for fucking) by how wet your pussy is. This is a wonderful moment when your girl reaches between your legs and discovers her prize. Usually accompanied by a moan on one or both party's parts. The vids seem to have the girls reach right for the clit and start to rub. I personally think a little lube on your clit before heavy friction is an excellent idea and a quick dip into the pool is usually a good way to start.

I wonder who should get my complaint? Is there a UN Ministry of Lesbian Realism I can file a complaint with? Any suggestions?


liz said...

Each and every one of those was spot on.

It's sad just how pathetic lesbian erotica/porn is. Even the fiction is boring, predictable and filled with clich├ęs.

Cindy said...

You have so aptly phrased the same exact opionion I have about "girl on girl" porn. Let's face it, the mass produced stuff is neither made by or for lesbians. It is directed by men for the consumption of straight men. Which goes along with your earlier question as to why straight women stay straight. Let's face it many men don't seem to be all that concerned about their female partners satisfaction only their own.

Running away with the Spoon said...

Real lesbian sex is, or can be, extraordinarily hot. One would suspect if straight women were exposed to real lesbian porn, we'd have a stampede.

Hmm, what a radical thought, your pleasure is as important to me as mine, and my pleasure is what drives you.