I love you, my M. In a few hours you will rise before dawn and call me. And we will get to spend yet another few short hours together, before the start of another day.
I miss waking up beside you, feeling your skin, your fingers drawing lines on my body, the rise and fall of your chest as you fall back asleep, with me in your arms.
I am staying at my ex's S, while she and her wife are traveling to warmer climes. I have not been living at my beloved home for weeks now (terribly dislocating & painful), since G cannot be trusted not to hurt me, in ways large and small and always, sadly, underhandedly. And I am learning to be pissed, pissed without pettiness, but with self-respect, and I am now kicking G out of my brainspace she has desperately been trying to occupy (as in W Bush and the Iraq Occupation) as she seeks revenge on me for refusing to continue the horrible game, and for ending the too deep well of my emotional and financial support of her. I remain surprised that she continues to fight bitterly with me over ending a relationship that was manifest daily most often as bitter and relentless fighting.
Much to M's (and all of my friends' worried relief) I have finally realized that I have to let my blind heart give way to my clear mind when the target of G's (perhaps conscious, perhaps unconscious) manipulations. My mind is my only real defense, because G shrewdly realizes I really don't like to fight, I do prefer kindness and seek harmony (my strong desire to remain friends), and she has cravenly sought to appeal to and exploit these traits in me financially and emotionally while she berates and belittles me, but she mistakes my kindness and generosity for stupidity and weakness, and now I am, finally, pissed.
I had hoped that G and I could be friends (as I remained with S), but I now understand it may not be the case for a very long time, and perhaps this is a good thing for now. I hope G finds happiness, somewhere, sometime, with someone who can love her unconditionally; she deserves a good and loving life, but that is not to be with me.
And now, finally, to sleep, so the next sound I hear will be the phone and M's voice welcoming me to the morning.
2 months ago