Thursday, February 26, 2009

Status Report

Life has been incredibly complicated and both a bit tortuous and a bit of a relief. As one might suspect, I am in the throes (hopefully not the Dick Cheney version of unending "last throes") of ending the relationship with G. It is going both better and worse than I had hoped, and M remains my beautiful and loving constant.

G and I are now seeing a third party couples counselor to try to amicably end the relationship; as it turns, G became angry and bitter, despite our previous signed agreement to end the relationship in mid-2008 if nothing had changed, and nothing had changed. But it's one thing to get to that level of finality on your own, another to have someone else so declare. She agrees that the relationship was not healthy and that we were not better together than we are as separate individuals, but it is a familiar hell, and sometimes there is a strong draw to the familiar, even as it destroys you.

G has agreed to move out, and I am happy to keep the little tiny house amidst the woods and fields, but I do empathize with the grief and loss she has in leaving it. It is a wonderful, magical little place. My previous ex (S) and M and the gay boy therapist have all been on me not to try to fix things for G, not to try to make it "better" for her, and this is a hard lesson for me. I am a nurturer by nature and it's hard to see someone else in pain, even as she still has her moments where she is mean or cruel to me; I tend to excuse it as reflexive and not as conscious. M tells me what she feels (she wants to drive up and kick G's ass) but leaves it to me to handle. I am grateful for her patience with me in this winding process, perhaps I am wrong or naive to act as if I can expect the best measure of good grace from G, but I still find I cannot give up hope that we can all change for the better. It's what has kept me going as a political activist, and I see no reason to exclude my personal life from my global views. And I have learned many lessons over my life, perhaps this one will be as interesting as all the others.

What remains most difficult in all of this is that I have decided not to declare my relationship with M. This has been a terrible strain and I feel awful on so many fronts about this. I do agree with M that if G feels I am leaving her for another woman that she will entrench and all hope for any reasoned separation will be gone. But I hate it. I hate it because I love M and I want the world to know it. I hate it because it just causes me to try to live a lie and I am a terrible liar. I won't be in the closet about being queer, but I am now in the closet about being in love for the first time in my life. This may be the most bizarre thing that I have ever done, and I have done some pretty out there things in my lifetime. Let's hope it's only this bizarre for a short time more. If anyone has any thoughts on how to deal with this, I would be eternally grateful for your ideas. Simply "kicking G's ass and throwing her out", as an idea, is already taken by M, so you might want to cross that off your list. I tend to favor more amicable approaches. But I am open to just about anything right now.

Thanks for your patience with the spottiness of my posts lately, life is very complicated. I hope I can enjoy simplicity again, soon.

And yes, I am going back to visit M again soon, this time for a week. How I explain this absence to all those here in my New England is just beyond my reach right now, but I expect I will come up with something soon, since I miss my darling M terribly and long for her each day.

4 comments:

femmeismygender said...

I think the best advice I could give you is to take one day at a time, and remain calm whilst 'sticking to your guns'. I wish you the strength and tenacity you need to get through this.Just keep visualising the beautiful future ahead :-) fimg x
(ps you need to update your link to me!)

Diane said...

it may sound a little harsh, but i think you don't owe G any explanations with regard to your current life with M, any more than she would if the situation were reversed. what's unfolded is nobody's fault, and as you pointed out, you're not responsible for G's feelings, tho you are taking the high road trying to resolve the situation amicably, and that isn't easy.

please don't beat yourself up for having found happiness, or do anything to sabotage it. if it helps, maybe say a little prayer or mantra that G will also soon be ready to find her own happiness, even if that doesn't seem to be possible right now. life changes moment to moment, and G's can for the better, too. i hope you don't mind my saying it, but she seems lucky to have had you. hang in there!

.pomegranate. said...

Without knowing in more detail the contours of your history with G, I'm afraid I don't have too terribly much advice - except that in my experience, you just have to be willing to say aloud to the other person that what you want is a breakup that honors the good that you had together, and that you hope that you can both work toward that. It sounds like you are making decisions along that line of thinking already (from here, it sounds like a smart decision to hold back on announcing your new love in the midst of your prior relationship's ending) and I will be sending you thoughts of strength and patience as you wind your way through this complicated process.

princessbabydyke said...

Hi welcome back!But yeah I would just say if you feel the need to hide the realtionship from G so ya'll can part..more peacefully then do it. Also it's good M is so understanding I think thats very important. I'll wish you luck!!