Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Finally

The days are quickly slipping away before I leave Hawai'i. I will miss my mother so very much. She is a dear, sweet, kind human being. Simple in her outlook and expectations of life. She has no ulterior motives and I can't seem to find any guile in her. I hope that someday I will find the kind of presentness that she lives. She is a Buddhist, of course.

My life is in such flux. I spent the last two years believing in Change! Who knew that 2008/2009 would be, as well, a time of great personal change for me. I finally made the decision, in mid-November, to stop trying desperately to save a long dissolving and mutually unhappy 12 year relationship. I decided that upon my return from Hawai'i, I would leave G. About a month later, in a moment of full acceptance, I wrote and posted "Hope" about the loss of hope for the continuation of the relationship. During that month's time of self-reflection and searching to gain more insight into why I failed the relationship, I fully faced that an essential and explicit dynamic (butch/femme top/bottom) was missing from my life and that I could never find relationship happiness or satisfaction without it. One day after I posted "Hope" in mid December, I unexpectedly met M (my younger sizzling butch top), and we both fell instantly, completely, and surprisingly in love, for the very first time in both of our lives.

In a world where orderliness is often the prized value, my life is full of disorder, it's messy. Would I have preferred to have broken completely with G before I ever met and fell in love with M? I believe the correct answer is yes, but the real life answer is, after considering my path, I could never have given up the chance to love M or to accept her love for me, no matter how or when it happened. At 50, I am getting too old to wait for happiness. I never thought for a second that I would finally fall in love at this point in my life. Given my genes, I only have about 50 years left to love her. And I'm not wasting a moment of it.

8 comments:

.pomegranate. said...

Have a very safe and wonderful trip! Enjoy your time with M... I'm actually not sure why I bothered typing that, because it goes without saying. Wishing you well!

blueinthefaceangel said...

Have a safe trip!Also kinda new gal but your blog makes me happy that there are other women like me who love the B/F life.I makes me feel less weird than I already am.LOL

Running away with the Spoon said...

Thanks very much for your kind words, pom. I do really appreciate them.

I'll probably have an update or two after my visit.

Best wishes to you, too.

Running away with the Spoon said...

blue,

Welcome to my blog, thanks for your good wishes on my trip!

I am so very glad that what I do here resonates with you and lets you know you are most definitely NOT alone! I look forward to your thoughts.

Best,
RS

Butch Boo said...

You know what Spoon- you can't plan when you fall in love as me and QR discovered. I trulu believe things happen for a reason and you fell in love for a reason.

You deserve happiness in it's total fullness. You go grab life Spoon.

This is your time!

Love

BB
X

total said...

Oh, how yummy to finally find yourself! I came to my femme self late-is as well, and oh, how good it is to be here! Welcome, and hurrah!

Love your post about phone sex, too; back in my LDR days, that was such a treat, but now that we live together, it has fallen by the by.

ttf

Running away with the Spoon said...

BB,

My favorite BB! Thank you always for your kind words and encouragement! I do take heart from your love story with QR.

XX,
RS

Running away with the Spoon said...

total,

Welcome welcome welcome! Thank you for your welcome to femmedom! It is a thrill to finally find myself.

Since I am now back to New England, M & I have had phone sex but we found that, curiously, there is a benefit to living with my hard-of-hearing mother, her phones are all amplified! So some sounds are definitely better on her phone than on mine! LOL!

Thanks again for your comment!