Finally

The days are quickly slipping away before I leave Hawai'i. I will miss my mother so very much. She is a dear, sweet, kind human being. Simple in her outlook and expectations of life. She has no ulterior motives and I can't seem to find any guile in her. I hope that someday I will find the kind of presentness that she lives. She is a Buddhist, of course.

My life is in such flux. I spent the last two years believing in Change! Who knew that 2008/2009 would be, as well, a time of great personal change for me. I finally made the decision, in mid-November, to stop trying desperately to save a long dissolving and mutually unhappy 12 year relationship. I decided that upon my return from Hawai'i, I would leave G. About a month later, in a moment of full acceptance, I wrote and posted "Hope" about the loss of hope for the continuation of the relationship. During that month's time of self-reflection and searching to gain more insight into why I failed the relationship, I fully faced that an essential and explicit dynamic (butch/femme top/bottom) was missing from my life and that I could never find relationship happiness or satisfaction without it. One day after I posted "Hope" in mid December, I unexpectedly met M (my younger sizzling butch top), and we both fell instantly, completely, and surprisingly in love, for the very first time in both of our lives.

In a world where orderliness is often the prized value, my life is full of disorder, it's messy. Would I have preferred to have broken completely with G before I ever met and fell in love with M? I believe the correct answer is yes, but the real life answer is, after considering my path, I could never have given up the chance to love M or to accept her love for me, no matter how or when it happened. At 50, I am getting too old to wait for happiness. I never thought for a second that I would finally fall in love at this point in my life. Given my genes, I only have about 50 years left to love her. And I'm not wasting a moment of it.