Sunday, March 1, 2009

Finding My Life

M is coming on Tuesday to fetch me, so we can spend 9 days together at her home in the Midwest. Hopefully she will miss the storm that threatens tonight, a major Nor'easter, with snow totals up to 10 inches here.

I am not at home tonight, I am with two lovely friends who have taken me in, because I could not take more of G's outbursts, and I was becoming too stressed, finding myself upset, confused, or crying after being yelled at, scolded, mocked, or belittled. I understand G has a lot of pain and she feels some comfort at being a victim of something, but I can't feed into it anymore. I also can't expect to find rationality and reason in raw emotion, I have to stop trying to find what may not be there, just accepting it and letting it be, instead. So I am staying with friends until M comes, and will return to housesitting two other friends' home when I get back. Hopefully G and I can agree to an exit date certain when we meet again tomorrow in therapy with our gay boy. But I am not holding my breath.

Thank you to fimg, pom, diane, and pbd for your thoughtful, supportive and helpful comments on my last post. They were actually very helpful to me, and were instrumental in getting me to this current evolution. I do appreciate your thoughts and insights. This is a hard journey and it's a hard balancing act, and I am trying to find that middle path that honors what was good about my relationship with G, and maintains my self respect and integrity. G has made it a point to let me know she is not going to tell me anything about anything she does or whom she sees (I have not asked), though she regularly asks me probing questions about my life and whereabouts; I realized that it is not unhealthy to keep a separate and private life from each other, and so I will. I may be slow on the draw but I eventually get there (I hope). I also realized the first and hardest task for me is to get G out of my head. I can't keep letting her live and grow in there and then wonder why it feels like my head is going to explode. I need that room now to face both the great potential and the great challenges of the life I have and of the life I want, in a way that is responsible to and respectful of who I am. It's the grown up way, surprising even for a middle aged lesbian like me, who thought I knew what grown up was. Shows you how wonderful being alive is: life remains full of endless surprises, lessons, joys, and blessings.

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