Status Report

Life has been incredibly complicated and both a bit tortuous and a bit of a relief. As one might suspect, I am in the throes (hopefully not the Dick Cheney version of unending "last throes") of ending the relationship with G. It is going both better and worse than I had hoped, and M remains my beautiful and loving constant.

G and I are now seeing a third party couples counselor to try to amicably end the relationship; as it turns, G became angry and bitter, despite our previous signed agreement to end the relationship in mid-2008 if nothing had changed, and nothing had changed. But it's one thing to get to that level of finality on your own, another to have someone else so declare. She agrees that the relationship was not healthy and that we were not better together than we are as separate individuals, but it is a familiar hell, and sometimes there is a strong draw to the familiar, even as it destroys you.

G has agreed to move out, and I am happy to keep the little tiny house amidst the woods and fields, but I do empathize with the grief and loss she has in leaving it. It is a wonderful, magical little place. My previous ex (S) and M and the gay boy therapist have all been on me not to try to fix things for G, not to try to make it "better" for her, and this is a hard lesson for me. I am a nurturer by nature and it's hard to see someone else in pain, even as she still has her moments where she is mean or cruel to me; I tend to excuse it as reflexive and not as conscious. M tells me what she feels (she wants to drive up and kick G's ass) but leaves it to me to handle. I am grateful for her patience with me in this winding process, perhaps I am wrong or naive to act as if I can expect the best measure of good grace from G, but I still find I cannot give up hope that we can all change for the better. It's what has kept me going as a political activist, and I see no reason to exclude my personal life from my global views. And I have learned many lessons over my life, perhaps this one will be as interesting as all the others.

What remains most difficult in all of this is that I have decided not to declare my relationship with M. This has been a terrible strain and I feel awful on so many fronts about this. I do agree with M that if G feels I am leaving her for another woman that she will entrench and all hope for any reasoned separation will be gone. But I hate it. I hate it because I love M and I want the world to know it. I hate it because it just causes me to try to live a lie and I am a terrible liar. I won't be in the closet about being queer, but I am now in the closet about being in love for the first time in my life. This may be the most bizarre thing that I have ever done, and I have done some pretty out there things in my lifetime. Let's hope it's only this bizarre for a short time more. If anyone has any thoughts on how to deal with this, I would be eternally grateful for your ideas. Simply "kicking G's ass and throwing her out", as an idea, is already taken by M, so you might want to cross that off your list. I tend to favor more amicable approaches. But I am open to just about anything right now.

Thanks for your patience with the spottiness of my posts lately, life is very complicated. I hope I can enjoy simplicity again, soon.

And yes, I am going back to visit M again soon, this time for a week. How I explain this absence to all those here in my New England is just beyond my reach right now, but I expect I will come up with something soon, since I miss my darling M terribly and long for her each day.

An Interesting Website for Bloggers

I just ran across this link and thought I would share it with you. You can get a sense of the kind of traffic, and comparisons to other sites' traffic, your blog gets. This link may be old news for some but perhaps it might be new and helpful information for others.

I take it as a hopeful sign that some of the queer websites I read are registering in a database this large and international. As you can see, I plunked in QueerEyeCandy.com just to show an example.

Your Blog Traffic Details

Enjoy!

Housekeeping

1) On phone sex. We learned that my living with an elderly hearing-impaired senior had its phone sex benefits - all her phones are all especially amplified, which made M hearing me masturbate for her over the phone just that much more erotic. The regular phones aren't quite as conducive to picking up my wet fingers dipping into my sopping pussy or sliding around my M-induced swollen clit quite as much as the phones at Mom's house. Who knew?

2) Keep track of your laptop power cords as you go through airport security. They cost upward of $100 to replace. This is the second power cords of sorts that has vanished during regular TSA screening.

3) When you are used to 70 - 80 degree F temperatures, I don't care that everyone else says "30 degrees is warm", it just plainly isn't warm. A cup of hot chocolate would be a frozen dish at 30 degrees! And so am I!

4) My dog didn't forget me. She went cuckoo and wouldn't leave my side for a week.

5) I really have missed reading all of your blogs and comments. Surprising how much dial up sucks. As I commented elsewhere, I am an expert on sucking (ask M) and I guarantee that dial up sucks more than I do. And there are still many communities (even in the very populated New England states) that do not have access to anything faster than dial up and we need equal access to the internet!

M

Yes! We met! She is all I could have hoped for, and with her I find more happiness than I thought life allowed.

M is gorgeous, beautiful, handsome, sexy, muscular, confident, and quite tender, loving, and attentive. I held her hand in the airport as we walked to her car. She has the most incredible light blue eyes that dance and sparkle and have a whole lifetime of stories for me to discover. We had a 90 minute drive from the airport to her home, we kissed at stoplights and long straightaways. We took a small detour to drive by her parents' home (her childhood home), and then we were off to her very neat and shipshape abode. Where I was welcomed with a lovely glass vase of beautiful fragrant flowers, and cards.

I immediately felt safe and loved with her, and I know that she could read the unabashed adoration and love that I feel for her. Suffice to say that, despite our best plans, I couldn't bear the thought of being away from her long enough to wash away 20 hours of travel. So we made out, we made love, and we fucked like insatiable rabbits if those silly rabbits were lucky enough to be us. We made two pizzas together and the pizza was delicious, the best I have eaten in a long while, and the best I have ever made (well, this was my first time making pizza). Perfect to sustain in between long bouts of energetic and passionate fucking, eating, licking, thrusting, riding, and sucking. We were two lovers bent on sharing our love for each other!

And, yes, we even squeaked in time for visits from her sister and her best friend, and a trip to visit her parents. I am happy to say I did meet her parents. M was a little worried since her mother has been a bit less racially tolerant in the past, but her Mom was exceptionally welcoming and wonderful to me, I couldn't have asked for a better and kinder greeting. M had not told her that I was Asian, and Mom did really well, and has since called me "sweetie" on the phone. Dad took a quick look at me, his face broke in a huge grin, he winked, and jumped out of his chair to give me a great big hug and kiss. I think they like that M finally has an very decidely femme girlfriend who is older than she is. I did thank them for raising such a wonderful daughter, because I am grateful to them for their part in making her who she is. She is perfect.

It was remarkable how well M & I fit together emotionally and physically, how well we meshed. I easily fell asleep with my head on her shoulder, my hand at her waist, her arm around me, as we lay in bed. And she pulled a blanket over me when we cuddled in the living room, saying "Here, put this on, you're cold." I said "How did you know I was cold?" She said "Because you tucked your feet underneath you. I notice all the details about you, my love." She tried her pinkie ring on my ring finger for size, and neither of us wanted to take it off once it was on. We do plan to marry in Massachusetts, whenever I am finally free, and she chooses to ask me. Wearing her ring, even for those brief moments, has had quite a profound and continuing effect on both of us. We are in love.

And for the statistically minded, I came for her 8 times, and she came for me twice (it is her preferred ratio). And we each learned new things about each other and ourselves as we made love. She found out how much she loved having & watching me suck her cock and how much she loved watching her cock slide in and out of my pussy. She gave me my first completely vaginal g-spot orgasm. And it was miraculous. She is my beautiful hard cocky man as I am her open, passionate and responsive woman. Her will joined with my surrender. Happily, we, M and I, are clearly better together than apart. We are simply made for each other.

I love her more and more each day.

******

(Btw, to meet the family, I wore a very nice & expensive pair of casual soft green tencel pants with a black fitted t-shirt and a microfleece black half-zip pullover with a purple/green/black silk scarf, black fabric slipons with a wedge heel, small gold hoop earings, a loose gold bracelet wrist watch, & my mother's Buddhist prayer bracelet from the hospital. I can't tell you how long I fussed over what to pack and wear - not too slobby, not too snobby. phew!)

Finally

The days are quickly slipping away before I leave Hawai'i. I will miss my mother so very much. She is a dear, sweet, kind human being. Simple in her outlook and expectations of life. She has no ulterior motives and I can't seem to find any guile in her. I hope that someday I will find the kind of presentness that she lives. She is a Buddhist, of course.

My life is in such flux. I spent the last two years believing in Change! Who knew that 2008/2009 would be, as well, a time of great personal change for me. I finally made the decision, in mid-November, to stop trying desperately to save a long dissolving and mutually unhappy 12 year relationship. I decided that upon my return from Hawai'i, I would leave G. About a month later, in a moment of full acceptance, I wrote and posted "Hope" about the loss of hope for the continuation of the relationship. During that month's time of self-reflection and searching to gain more insight into why I failed the relationship, I fully faced that an essential and explicit dynamic (butch/femme top/bottom) was missing from my life and that I could never find relationship happiness or satisfaction without it. One day after I posted "Hope" in mid December, I unexpectedly met M (my younger sizzling butch top), and we both fell instantly, completely, and surprisingly in love, for the very first time in both of our lives.

In a world where orderliness is often the prized value, my life is full of disorder, it's messy. Would I have preferred to have broken completely with G before I ever met and fell in love with M? I believe the correct answer is yes, but the real life answer is, after considering my path, I could never have given up the chance to love M or to accept her love for me, no matter how or when it happened. At 50, I am getting too old to wait for happiness. I never thought for a second that I would finally fall in love at this point in my life. Given my genes, I only have about 50 years left to love her. And I'm not wasting a moment of it.