Crossing Over

We talk about cock.

M has been cleaning out her closets, and finds her old harness. But it is brittle and breaks, so we must shop for new. A new harness just for me. She wants to be ready for my visit in two weeks. We will have 26 hours together, and we have a lot to do. One is make a pizza together (she can make pizza! and I like the thought of making something together and feeding and eating off of each other) and the other is to talk, and to make love and fuck fuck fuck.

She has decided to throw out her old cock, it was used with an old ex of hers whom I have renamed "anal girl", and M doesn't want to fuck me with it. She wants a new cock just for me.

She wants us to go shopping together, but we don't want to waste any precious time to go out to shop, so we go online while we are on the phone to shop for a new cock and harness for her. I am pretty familiar with the site and we get to toys for lesbians. I tell her I prefer realistic cocks, that purple dolphins with swirling noses are not my first choice. But that I want her to feel she owns her cock, so she needs to feel comfortable with what we look at, that it is she who chooses. If she chooses big, she has to make me open enough to take her, that I must be open enough to take her. So, we pick the harness first.

She selects a handsome leather harness in blue&black. She is intrigued by how turned on I am by harnesses, by how wet I get just by seeing it on the virtual mannequin's body, by imagining it on hers. I love how the straps fit, how the O ring is positioned, how when I see a harness on a woman, it signals desire or capacity, it is a pronouncement of power (even without a cock), and I get wet knowing that a harness means I can get fucked. She likes my hunger.

We then look at compatible cocks. I like one with balls but she wants more depth. She decides that she will pick the one that I can throat and that she can fuck my pussy deep. The one with balls will be our next purchase. She knows I want to feel her balls slapping against me while she fucks me, but that will come later.

She picks her cock and her harness and they will arrive by Tuesday. Enough time for her to wear them and get used to them. I have asked if she would jerk off with it before I come. I hope she will jerk off while I am on the phone with her sometime, I love hearing the sound of stroking wet on cock and I want to hear her voice.

We talk about how much I love cock, how I love to watch cock sliding in and out of my pussy in my favorite face-to-face lap sitting position, to watch her face as she fucks me, to feel consumed by desire and to surrender to her, to her will, to her power.

Earlier in our relationship, after we have talked about fucking, we wander into a conversation about how I am her woman, and I say, uncertain of her response, "I want you to be my man." She pauses for a second, a little surprised, and then says evenly "I am your man. You are my woman and I am your man." My heart jumps. I have so longed for this, someone willing to cross over into that genderfucking territory with me. but I can see that this is new for her to vocalize, new words for her to speak. So we tread slowly.

Today, I say to her, "Do you remember when I asked you to be my man?" She says, "Yes, I remember. I hadn't been able to name that part of me that always felt like a man trapped in a woman's body." I say, "This is why your cock is important to me. That it is yours, I want you to feel the sensation of the back of your cock pulsing against your clit, and feel the sensation of what happens in your brain shooting down directly to your clit..." I tell her that part of my failure with G and with my other longterm partner was that I was unable to understand the difference between lesbians wearing dildos fucking me, and what I crave. I tell her "I want you to fuck me as a man does a woman." I say "I want you to fuck me, making your clit and your cock one. Your cock becomes an extension of your clit, and your clit becomes your cock."

She has been reading Holden's posts (packingvocals.blogspot.com) about being defined by others at a young age, sharing Holden's confusion about the conflict between what you feel and who you are supposed to be, the shame it brings, and how that constricting process of gender tyranny retards the ability to find who you really are, until mid-life. M decides she may, like Holden, find a name for the man inside of her to clearly demarcate his gender identity from her female biology. She adds "I really hope you will be able to control him once you bring him to life." He is clearly very very powerful.

We talk about a friend who is a butch top who wears a cock. It is not clear whether she genderfucks as well, and we discuss how what we feel about ourselves, about each other, about how our dynamic remains still an outlier in relationships between women. Then she has a slight moment where she worries that I might want only cock. I say "I am a lesbian for a reason, I love tits, fingers, hands, clit and pussy. I like to eat pussy, I want to eat your pussy. I want the best in one person, I want your living cock and I want your living clit. And to my great thrill and amazement, you have both." She grins and says "wooooooooooo hoooooooooo!"

Inside the cells that produce sperm and eggs, chromosomes become paired. While they are pressed together, the chromosomes may break, and each may swap a portion of its genetic material for the matching portion from its mate. This form of recombination is called crossing-over. When the chromosomes glue themselves back together and separate, each has picked up new genetic material from the other. The constellation of physical characteristics it determines is now different than before crossing-over.
National Center for Human Genome Research, NIH